A fun little poem for those landowners fighting with rodents this time of year.
(Note: no animals were injured in the writing of this piece).
Redneck Ralph was a mighty mean man
Catching gophers just because he can
A killing spree like no other
His wife thought, why even bother
The varmints moved into their yard
Not an ounce of respect, not even a shard
Digging holes and taking a stand
They ticked off the old man
Redneck Ralph rode shotgun on his mower
I’ll get those suckers—I’ll run ’em over
His wife thought, why even bother Ralph
They multiply faster than dust on a shelf
But ride over the lawn, he did
Bumping over mounds, some bigger than a kid
He chopped up one of those pesky rodents
Relishing every single moment
His blade continued whirling
Faster than a rock down the ice when curling
His wife thought, why even bother Ralph
Come along, I’ve cake for you, I made it myself
But things soon went awry
As his wife batted away a fly
She turned and saw a pesky head
peeking out of her flowerbed
His wife ran screaming from the deck
I’ll catch you gopher, I’ll wring your neck
Redneck Ralph had enough
He went to the shed with a huff
He found a trap, a guillotine of sorts
Took it off the hook and hung it on his shorts
His wife thought, hurry Ralph a destruction they’re causing
For goodness’ sake, quit your pausing
Across the grass, he wandered
His trap he would not squander
He spied their hole amongst the daisies
Come out, he cried—I’ll get you, you little crazies
A chatter erupted across the lawn
Beady eyes looked to be saying—oh come on
The gopher’s high-pitched squeak
Didn’t sound so bleak
They might be giggling
But Red Neck Ralph wasn’t wiggling
From settling that killing trap over the hole
He had but one goal
For them to come out
And without a doubt
Push their necks through that trap
Crushing the rodents behind their ear flap
His wife thought, knock them dead
They’re too well fed
As she watched them go
Skipping from hole to hole
Redneck Ralph said this won’t work
Then he smirked
His rifle loaded and ready
He waited to make his hands go steady
His wife thought, why even bother Ralph
Give me the gun—I’ll do it myself
She aimed and fired
Pop, pop, pop she never tired
The bodies they fell
One by one it all went well
She said, let’s hit the sack
I’m sure none will come back
The next morning Redneck Ralph sang a tune
He didn’t go out until well past noon
After a strangled cry
He uttered a heavy sigh
There in the sunshine
Those pesky gophers stood in a line
Their chatter and disrespect
Went well unchecked
His wife thought, why’d you bother Ralph
You should have never tackled it yourself
She told him, don’t be tripping and falling on the lawn
They’ll run all over you, just to make sure you’re gone
The End
© by Patricia L. Atchison. August 2022. All rights Reserved.